Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Honest Confessions of a Simple Disciple

About a month ago, I graduated college with a degree in Religion from a private Christian university. It is amazing how much I have learned in the past 2 and a half years and most of it didn't come from a class. The greatest thing that I have learned is that Christianity isn't about what we do, it's about who we do it for and what he did for us. to sum up the Christian life: love God, love people...that's it. at least that's basically how Jesus put it in Matthew 22:37-40.

That's great and all, but the problem is, why can't I do it? It is simple to go to church every Sunday, play in a worship band and sing pretty songs, and even think about God constantly, but why can I not feel his power? That is probably because it's a struggle to read the Bible for me. Does this make me a bad person? There are some awesome things in the Bible, but for some odd reason, I can't find the desire to read. Does this desire come from God? Ultimately, I have found myself at a weird place in my life where I can't hear the person that I have given my life to serve, therefore, I don't know what to do, or what move to make. All around me people say, "Don't make a move until you are certain that it is God's will" or "Make the move, and if it's not God's will, he'll stop it" or "Make the Move and God will work it out." In case you haven't noticed, these contradict. I guess this boils down to "Listen to what God has to say." Oh great, another cliche. I know that God can speak to us in different ways, but for the most part, he hasn't really ever spoken to me, I've just always ended up doing what I figured was the right thing to do. The voice inside me that was speaking was my own.

I'm not doubting my mortality or even the existence of God, I've just become skeptical of the way we view God's will or how he works in our lives. I guess the answers are to be found through reading, searching, praying, and listening. Which brings me back to square one. I think I know what Paul meant when he said, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." (Romans 7:15,19) I find myself in the trap of consistency, blah, and honestly...apathy, sheer apathy.

I am not saying any of this to throw a pity party or anything else like that, I really just want to honestly write what I feel and hopefully someone may read this and see that they aren't the only one that struggles. Truthfully, followers of Christ probably struggle more than most. Maybe if we did it more openly, others will see us for who we really are...people, rather than pious hypocrites. Anyway...

Peace Hope and Love